“Hi ya’all. Today I am going to share five real factual actions I excel in.”

(Pausing to pick some annoying lint out of the beer belly gut belly button carefully crafted after years of alcohol abuse)

“First off, I am stupendous at counting my fingers and toes. Here, let me show you. One, two, three… Ooh! A cheesepuff falling on the floor. Three second rule.”

“Next I am fantastic at talkin with the ladies. Listen to this…”

(dialing the number a lady answered. a real lady)

“Hi. My name is Tulip. What’s your name big boy?”

(smirking and giggling)

“My name is Robin.”

“Well Robin, are you touching yourself?” Tulip was an 82 year old grandmother in Lima Ohio working the $9.00 a minute sex phone line, and she had a real sexy voice.

“And man let me tell you what. I can cook bologna better than any Hawaiian native. The trick is to microwave it first and then cook it in a skillet full of bacon fat.”

(there was a pause in writing as Robin became extremely interested in watching one of his corgi’s try to eat a bug)

“Anyway, the fourth thing that I am an absolute master of is to look into a mirror and admire at how beautiful I camouflaged the warts on my nose. Look. See? Looks more like multiple birth marks than the result of poor hygiene.”

(taking a sip out of a mason jar filled with some kind of alcohol, Robin finished the fifth thing he was so proud of doing so well.”

“And finally, and without any humility what-so-ever…. I’m excellent at solving the mystery of what a person had to eat for dinner yesterday just by smelling their farts.”

(and that WordPress, is what I think of your writing prompts)